Affection
by there'snoexcuseforme
Summary: Patsy explains to Delia part of what the internment camp did to her. One shot Pre-canon fic.


**Affection**

"When did you know pats? Delia asked between kisses "That you liked women?"

They had spent the evening in the nurses home lying together on Patsys bed, kissing and cuddling; it was too soon in their relationship for anything more, not that either of them wanted more at that moment, they just wanted to be with each other.

"I don't like women Delia, I just like you" Patsy said, breaking away from a kiss.

"So you've never wanted to be with a woman before" Delia asked, she clearly had something on her mind tonight and Patsy would have preferred it if she would just leave it, it would mean opening wounds that she didn't want to open.

"Why are you asking?" Patsy wanted to know, pulling away from her slightly

"I'm just…..curious I think" Delia said, stroking Patsies cheek gently.

"Well I'd rather you weren't" Patsy said brusquely, managing to remove the small smile from Delias face.

"Oh…." Delia said, realising Patsy was putting up her walls. "I'm sorry" she added, raising herself up from her place on the bed.

"You don't have to leave" Patsy said as she got up "There's just some things I find hard to talk about"

"I understand" Delia said, not really looking at Patsy

"I'm not sure you can Deels" Patsy told her sadly

"Then try me" Delia said looking into her eyes, "You've already told me the worst Pats".

Patsy beckoned her back down so that Delia was resting her head on her chest and she slowly ran her fingers through the brunettes hair, the physical action made her feel a lot calmer, just having Delia with her in fact made her feel like there was less darkness in her mind.

"I think it started in the camp" Patsy said finally.

"Oh…." Delia said, looking up at Patsy with sadness in her eyes. Patsy had already told her about some of the horrors of the internment camp the night they had shared their first kiss, she knew her mother and her sister had died there and that she had seen unimaginable cruelty from the guards. "Pats you don't have to…..I'm sorry". She said, but inside she was scolding herself for making Patsy remember the camp, she knew should have had more sense than that.

"You have to understand" Patsy continued, "In the camp they took everything from us. Not just our belongings, we were stripped of any dignity, of our identity. They told us we were third class British women, but eventually we weren't even women any more. We were so malnourished the older woman stopped having their periods, and the younger girls like me didn't start their bleeding at all".

Delia propped herself up on her elbow and lay beside her love, urging her to continue.

"Gender didn't seem to have any purpose anymore; they took our femininity, anything that made us women". Patsy said, looking straight upwards and not at Delia. "At night, when we were lying on our bunks I would cling to my sister and my mother, but I would see other women clinging to each other and I couldn't understand why they were doing that. They weren't family, they were strangers to each other but they still held on".

Patsy took a deep breath before continuing, this was the hardest part to remember.

"It wasn't until my mother and sister died that I realised why the women held each other, what they wanted when they clung like that". Patsy said sadly

"What was it? Delia asked her

"Affection" Patsy said, looking at her again. "Love. Anything to feel like a human being again. It wasn't until I was left alone that I felt that yearning for affection, I so wanted to be held during the night again, by my mother, by anyone".

Delia nodded sadly; she was finally starting to understand that the camp had affected Patsy more than just physically.

"After a while you would hear rumours about some of the women" Patsy continued. "That they would do filthy things to each other behind the latrines or in the washhouse, but I don't think it was done because of the person or the gender, I think the women just wanted to feel something…. _anything_ with another person again. I know that's what I wanted; I wanted someone to love me again".

"Did you find anyone?" Delia asked her

"No" Patsy admitted "After a while I think I closed my heart to everyone. Even after we were liberated and I found my father again I couldn't feel close to him anymore. I think we'd both just lost too much".

"I'm so sorry Pats". Delia said to her, but there was still more that Patsy had to say

"I saw that same longing in boarding school as well" she went on "At night in the dormitory some of the girls would creep into the beds of their friends. They would be punished of course if they were caught, the nuns said they were up to the devils business, but I knew they weren't. They were just looking for affection; they were looking for the love they couldn't get from their parents or the nuns. It wasn't the same as being in the camp, but when you've been sent away from people who are supposed to love you then you have to find love wherever you can".

Patsy let some tears fall from her eyes as she finished telling Delia her tale, "I think that's when I knew I was different, after the camp. It changed me Delia; it got into every part of me".

"Sssh sweetheart" Delia whispered as she wiped the tears off Patsys face before kissing her cheek softly. "You've been so brave tonight, thank you for telling me".

Patsy nodded feebly and wiped her face with her sleeve before taking another deep breath. "I don't feel brave".

"But you are Pats, you are so brave everyday" Delia told her

"Thank you" Patsy said, still sniffling slightly.

"Come here" Delia said, pulling Patsy to her again and holding her close. "I love you" she whispered into the hair at the top of her head.

"I love you" Patsy replied looking up at Delia and kissing her, a kiss that started slowly but got more passionate as they went on. It was clear Patsy was longing just to be loved tonight. "Don't go back to your room, stay with me tonight please". She begged breathlessly in between kisses.

"I'm not going anywhere Pats I promise" Delia told her love before kissing her forehead gently. And she meant it; she stayed there all night holding Patsy close to her, making sure she was safe and giving her all the love and affection she deserved.

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